Our small shack of a house was relatively quiet on a mild Spring day. That is, until I forced open the weak wooden door to my brother’s room. He was sitting on his twin bed next to our High School friend Cisco, listening to music, when our eyes met as if in a samurai standoff. That isn’t too far off from reality, because I was holding a decorative wakizashi in my hand and standing En Garde.
My brother Robert reached under his bed and grabbed his sharp decorative katana. As he jumped up, we clashed in the middle of the tiny room in a sword dance. Cisco was clearly uncomfortable and backed further and further away into the corner. Robert maneuvered a strategic swing and opened a shallow crimson slice on my finger. I called “blood” and we both put down our weapons. Without a word, or even a polite bow, I walked out of the room and into the shadows to tend to my finger.
The word conflict comes from the Latin verb “confligere”. At its root, “conflict” literally means “to strike together,” which is what my brother and I did that random weekday with Cisco as spectator. That was one of the milder conflicts within our home; we didn’t always stop fighting when blood was drawn. Things could have been worse, but they also could have been better.
Typical conflict is much broader than a sword fight. There are likely as many modern definitions for conflict as there are types of conflict. Verbal conflicts, physical conflicts, conflict between ideas and beliefs. Each type of conflict has its own twists and turns to muddle and confuse us as we look for the way out; no wonder so many people would rather avoid disagreement.
I learned early that the best thing to do was stay silent until the storm passed, lest I be struck by lightning. It was how I dealt with conflict as a child; watch, wait, and listen until the absorbed pain and grief erupts on an undeserving victim. I wasn’t taught to communicate my emotions nor did I even consider that there were healthy ways to navigate conflict.
As I’ve grown, I’ve come to believe that conflict of some variety is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be painful. Conflicts don’t even have to be uncomfortable, not if we know how to approach them. I’ve seen how the way a conflict is handled can either deepen wounds or begin to heal them. I’ve seen how embracing change makes it smoother, gentler, and even empowering.
Change is just the end result of a conflict, good or bad. A large reason we hate change is because we hate conflict. Even those of us who don’t exactly “hate” conflict can miscommunicate or mismanage the situation, resulting in some kind of uncomfortable change. My personal ethos is that healthy conflict and change will lead to productive and lasting peace in everybody’s life.
This blog is both personal and professional. I don’t claim to have all the answers. But I do have ideas, ones that are starting to feel grounded and worth sharing. This is my way of offering them to the world. I have been studying conflict and change during my time at law school and have picked up some useful tips; the kind of tips I wish I could go back in time with and share with my sword-wielding self. With these skills, I feel called to help people happily move toward peace.
Conflict seems more prevalent than ever and change seems more frequent than before. We’ve had deeper, more dangerous conflicts in our history, but in terms of sheer volume, it feels like every conversation is a breath away from being a fight. These fights are the drivers of change, mostly negative and impossible to prepare for.
I invite the visitors to Mutable Journeys to think differently; be brave and hit the pause button on the hard conversations you choose to engage with. We can move toward peace together. The world doesn’t need less conflict. It needs better ways to face it.