Dear Bodhi,
The divorce is technically done. The papers are signed and the accounts are split. But somehow, the conflict didn’t end, it just changed shape.
Every conversation is a landmine. One wrong word and it’s back to accusations, insults, or veiled jabs. Most of the time it’s over text, but sometimes it’s through mutual friends, like we’re still living inside the relationship, just without the pretense.
I don’t want to keep fighting. I don’t want to keep reacting. But I keep getting baited into defending myself and into explaining things that don’t deserve explanation.
I thought divorce would bring relief. In some ways it has, but I feel like I’m still dragging pieces of the marriage behind me and I’m tired of it.
How do I let go of someone who won’t stop grabbing at my peace?
— Ready to Be Free
Dear Ready to Be Free,
Thank you for sharing a piece of your conflict with me. Divorce sucks; not just because it marks the result of a significant conflict, but also because it results in a significant life change. And when the grieving is tangled up with fear, control, or resistance, it becomes that much harder to move through. I’m sorry for the darkness you’re coming from, but I’m excited for your bright future ahead.
My first thought is that it seems like you feel trapped, Ready. That’s hard, but your feelings are valid and they can help guide you forward. Please keep in mind, especially if this has been a lengthy relationship, that you’re being baited by someone who knows how to hook you. That is, your ex knows what buttons to push.
Sticking with the metaphor, let’s find a way to untangle you from this snare.
The immediate step you can take is the gray rock method. This is a tool used with high-conflict individuals to get them to disengage by losing interest. It’s likely your ex pushes your buttons because there is a reward, being your reaction. While it’s hard to not take the bait, you can do it in a way that doesn’t reward them. It looks a little like this:
Ex: “Wow, you look tired. Must be all that freedom you wanted so badly. Enjoying it?”
You: “Yep, I’ve had a full week.”
No emotional fuel. Just a calm, factual, closed loop. There can be dangers to doing this in some situations. We want you to be safe, first and foremost, Ready. If your ex has narcissistic or violent tendencies, you may want to tweak this method in the engagements. This can be done by gray rocking with compassion.
Ex: “Wow, you look tired. Must be all that freedom you wanted so badly. Enjoying it?”
You: “Thank you for asking. Yes, I’ve had a full week.”
The gratitude creates cognitive dissonance in their mind. Instead of escalating, they may just try again because they’re sure you mistook them for being kind when they clearly weren’t. After that, it’s all about setting boundaries. Even when it comes to your ex using your mutual friends.
It would be wise to tell friends that you don’t make a habit of talking about your ex. Something I say is: “I don’t like talking about ‘so-and-so’ when they aren’t in the room.” This gives your mutuals the impression that you want to be fair, and if your ex talks about you to them, they’ll think your ex is being unfair.
As for your ex, you can tell them something along the lines of, “I won’t respond to you when…” Communicating the boundary is only half the battle; we also need to reinforce the boundary. If your ex crosses that line, stand your ground and follow through. You don’t need to disappear. But you also don’t need to show up for every fight.
The last thing I want you to remember, Ready, is that this is a journey. Divorce is an ugly crack in the sidewalk, but you don’t have to trip over it. You don’t need to prove anything. You just need to keep moving forward until you’re in a place of peace. That’s your change. Good luck.
Peacefully Yours,
Bodhi