Dear Bodhi,
I tend to keep the peace by staying quiet. At work, in my family, even in my friendships. I don’t speak up when something bothers me because I don’t want to make things worse. Even in the past when trying to speak my mind, I’m told I’m overreacting or that I shouldn’t be upset.
But I’m noticing how much resentment I carry. I replay conversations in my head, I vent privately, and I feel unseen. How do I find the courage to speak up without making everything explode?
— Quiet But Boiling
Dear Quiet,
Thank you for reaching out; It sounds like you feel unseen in these conversations. That’s really hard, especially when any efforts to feel seen are dismissed.
The first thing I’d like you to know is that you do have a voice and it does matter. If anyone tells you otherwise, it’s either because they’re too worked up to give your words the space they deserve, or, they don’t like what you have to say.
Being quiet can keep the peace, but when there are legitimate issues to be resolved, not saying your piece won’t keep the peace. There are times when remaining silent can be powerful; I’m not saying it can’t be beneficial. The trick is knowing when to stay silent and knowing when to cast aside the learned behavior of being seen and not heard.
Being seen is a biological need for humans as social animals. Regardless of how we express ourselves, we need to express ourselves. When we are unable to do so or we’re shut down, the inevitable result is resentment. I’ve been there Quiet, it hurts.
One trick I’d like you to try is curiosity. You know something is bothering you, but digging deeper about why something is especially provoking may give you a clearer way to communicate your frustration. Feel free to be curious about their words, too. It could be that the other person isn’t expressing themselves the best they can.
Most importantly, Quiet, you have to get closure from these conversations. Once you’ve found out why something in particular bothers you, you can speak up with curiosity and get deeper into understanding. But without some clear end to the conflict, that resentment could linger.
There are a few ways to get closure out of hard conversations. Probably the most productive is to express gratitude. If you both (or all) have truly tried to understand one another and they’ve let you speak your mind through curiosity, you can just say something along the lines of, “thank you, this has helped.”
Keep in mind that not every conversation is a conflict. But every conversation, like conflict, should give you some kind of progress, some way to move forward. Good luck, Quiet. I see you.
Peacefully yours,
Bodhi