Dear Bodhi,
I’m a dad to a seven-year-old boy who has big feelings and even bigger tantrums. He gets upset quickly over screen time, bedtime, or sometimes just being told “no.”
I try to stay calm, but I’ll admit that I lose my cool more often than I want to. When he’s yelling, I end up raising my voice too. I know that doesn’t help. It just escalates things. My dad didn’t have much patience either, so I’m trying to do things differently, but I feel like I’m failing. I don’t want to be the kind of father who scares his kid.
How do I show up better when I’m already overwhelmed?
— Losing It Dad
Dear Dad,
I’m not a father, so I can only imagine how exhausted you must feel. It sounds like your plate is full and life keeps adding second helpings. That’s not your fault and you are not failing. The first step when we have intense emotions like this, whether you or your son, is to take a second and slow down. Take a second—slow down.
Once you’re slow enough to respond, as opposed to react, take another second to look inside yourself. The way you phrased your question tells me that you care deeply about how you engage with your son. It also seems like you may have a thread to pull when it comes to why you react this way when he throws tantrums. You’d be surprised at how many things we haven’t unlearned from childhood.
Traditional and tired advice offers plenty of suggestions for you and your son, Dad. But I’m not a traditional advisor and I get the impression you have tried to be consistent with rules, give him more attention, and offer the carrot and stick for according behavior. Well, carrots and sticks are for donkeys and dogs, not children. And certainly not adults.
Instead, do your best to understand that your son is trying to communicate. He just may not know how, just like you may not know how. At seven, your son is still building the tools for emotional regulation. That skill takes years of modeling with some meltdowns along the way. Without a good model, some of us take much longer to learn to express ourselves. I know I did.
Do your best to keep in mind that he is watching you. If you can start regulating yourself by slowing down, looking inside, and choosing to handle conflict differently, your son will begin to do the same. Whenever he starts to get emotional, for whatever reason, you can tell him calmly that it’s okay to have those big feelings, but there are healthier ways to communicate them.
Please keep in mind, too, Dad, that you haven’t failed the second you raise your voice. Healing is a process, and often a twisty-turny road filled with potholes. Feel free to admit to him—after a second to slow down—“I didn’t handle that how I wanted to. I’m working on staying calm, even when I’m upset. Let’s both try again.”
Something I struggle with when I lose my cool is giving myself grace. The legend goes that at 87-years-old, Michelangelo (the painter, not the ninja turtle) said, “I’m still learning.” As long as we’re trying to go forward, we’re learning. That takes grit, patience, and self-compassion.
You’re not losing it, Dad. You’re learning in real time. And your son is learning with you.
Peacefully Yours,
Bodhi